A Case of the Mondays

Empirical Evidence That Brittany Make Me So Horny

After a long weekend, BED returns in full force, recapping the critical events of modern history. In racial news, Psychology Today released and immediately redacted a study proving the "unattractiveness" of black women based on the latest polls, inciting negative responses from readers and non-readers, the latter wondering why some people "always have to make everything about race." Psychology Today removed the story to avoid further bad press, replacing it with the study "Why Are Christian Women Rated Less Hellbound than Muslim Women?" Psychology Today refused to apologize to offended readers, instead releasing a follow up on the benefits of anger and demanding a thank you.
Not to be overshadowed by science,Rush Limbaugh also made race headlines, with his new venture into the blackface genre of entertainment.Limbaugh's character, "Bo Snerdley", translates regular English words for the "brothers and sisters in the hood" who might otherwise have trouble understanding. Limbaugh avoided the obvious racist stigma with the legal loophole of using an actual black man's face for the bit. Racism experts explain the subtleties by pointing out that it wasn't the actual minstrel show's negative portrayals, but the makeup that made it racist. Critics, namely this one, scoffed at the attempt at fine art as "Uncle Tomfoolery." Producers are looking to explore the loophole further by recording a black voice saying the word "nigger" to be played as a wacky sound effect.
In Politics, Donald Trump has pulled out of the 2012 presidential race. All five of his supporters consider nominating his hair separately as a more viable candidate.
Meanwhile, local elections are in full swing. By full swing, we mean there is absolutely no buzz about local elections. Democracy reportedly rolls over in it's grave.
Breaking in Religion: new Vatican policies against intolerance have been expanded, specifically to the sexual abuse policies. Critics, or heathens as they are called, complain the new guidelines fall short of outright banning sexual abuse, instead only requiring abuse to be "reported". Vatican officials responded with "What abuse?", which coincidentally was floated as a potential title of the new guidelines.
Also in the world of news not-of-this-world, after restoring honor to Washington DC, Glenn Beck announced plans to restore courage to Jerusalem. Based on the latest scientific polls, Glenn Beck is both the prophesied messiah and the the front runner in the 2012 presidential race, praise Glenn.